let’s not say goodbye

i don’t look forward to saying goodbye.

i had been struggling for over two years.  each day greeted me with the reminder of the thing that seemed to elude me.  the thing i couldn’t will in to existence.  the thing i couldn’t make but needed to be given.  i had been trying to hold it together as friends, neighbors, co-workers, family members, and strangers enjoyed the joy i wanted to experience.

each day i would get up and put my smile on like it was part of my make-up routine.  each night i washed it away with tears of frustration and sadness.

my husband, john was patient.  he listened.  he prayed.  he wiped tears.  he dreamed with me.  he reminded me that i was loved. yet, he saw that everything in me needed to love.

so he asked the question, “do you want a puppy?”  my response was efficient and short, “no.”

i didn’t want a puppy.  i wanted a baby.  i wanted brown eyes resembling my husbands to look at me with love.  i wanted sleepless nights.  i wanted to cuddle something.  i wanted to hold a new kind of love in my heart.

“yeah!  i do want a puppy.”

i don’t think john was really serious in his offer to get a puppy.  but after sleeping on it.  his idea was going to be a reality by the end of the week.   i visited a local hallmark store where i checked out all the beanie baby dogs and decided on a cocker spaniel. (beanie baby selection is the best way to pick a puppy) there was something about those wavy ears.

by that weekend i had located a liter of spaniel puppies in our area.  i had contacted the owner and made arrangements to come and select one.   the little black one was frisky and cute, but john knew the little buff girl would be coming home with us.  i didn’t make a decision that night, but i left happy.

that night, i dreamed.  i dreamed of a little buff puppy.  i dreamed of wet noses.  i dreamed of long walks.  and i woke up happy!

so priscilla presley heckert filled my void.  she loved me unconditionally.  she gave me brown eye looks that made my heart melt.  she made me laugh.  she needed me and i needed her.

her days are slow now.  her sleeping more than her awake time.  her passion for treats down.  her tolerance for the cat, up.

i love her.  i don’t look forward to saying goodbye.