lost without you

“i would give you anything, but instead i am giving you everything.” goodbye to silla.

our last day working together

if i had known the expense of loving a pet.  i might have thought through the cost to my heart.

i shared a few weeks ago in let’s not say goodbye how prisilla presley was more than just a pet.  she was the hope of having a child.  she was the joy in the in-between.  she was  unconditional in her love.

so when our final goodbye came on monday, i thought i was ready.  what i discovered was the reality of overwhelming grief.

needed me to carry her down the stairs

the last 13 years prisicilla needed me.  she needed my affection.  she needed me to feed her.  she needed me to play with her.  she needed me to let her outside.  she needed me to rub just the right spot.  she needed me to tease her with the right frisbee.  she needed me to tell her she was beautiful.  she needed me to get those treats she loved.   she eventually needed me to carry her to outside and to bed. and eventually needed me to try every food possible to get her to eat.  she needed me in every way.  and i would have given her anything to get well.

now i am lost without her.  and i realize how much i needed her.  i needed her to be my early wake up call.  i needed her welcome at the door when i came home.  i needed her to be in my bed taking up to much space.  i needed her to be happy like a child at christmas.  i needed her to just sit beside me while i worked.  i needed her to be excited about going to the mailbox.  i needed her to be at home when i was away.  i needed her to look at me and make things right.   i needed her because she needed me.

together we were satisfied.  together we learned to love.  together we made one another happy.

alone i am lost.  alone i am sad.   alone my heartaches.  alone i long for you.

i am praying silla, that you and ginger are enjoining everything together again.  praying that the sparkle in your eye has returned.  praying your nose is wet again. praying that your healed.  praying that you are living the joy-filled life of a puppy again. and when i arrive in heaven, you will be my guide through all the glorious streets.  and i won’t be lost without you again.

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